Comment by: Doug Millaway
One of your best songs. Love the whistling!
Comment by: Paul Nye
Hey John & Sheryl,
Richard just inserted a comment box for each of the song in the song review. I think this is a fabulous addition – to be able to comment in real time without jumping through other hoops to make comments on songs in for review. That said, I just wanted to reiterate what I said about the song during the session. Very well done. It resonated with me on a personal level, and I appreciate that fact the most. Keep at it. Paul
Comment by: Brad D
Some off cuff feedback.
I like that this song starts out with the chorus. That isn’t always fitting for all songs, but the topic of this song, yes and not as popular as it once was.
I also dig you jump straight into it at six seconds in, no lengthy intro to endure.
I also like the hooky feel of the chorus. It sounds like a song I should have heard before. The melody is from a song I know… I can almost put my finger on it, but it’s not exact so leaves me with a familiar feel to it but different. I like that. Ah I know, it’s similar to a CCM song by Casting Crowns: Does Anybody Hear Her https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEhRucEVzH8&list=RDOEhRucEVzH8&start_radio=1 it is slower but you have similar note intervals in the chorus.
The line: Has a tie wrapped around his throat, to me sounded like “Has a tire wrapped around his throat” and I got hung up wondering what that meant. Is it a new expression? That phenomenon is what I call “lyric bleeding.” One part of a word bleeds into another and we get the wrong message. He has a tie clamped-sinched-etc. around his neck? If that is a sentiment you want to portray.
“Living hard and riding fast
He thought those days would always last”
About halfway through the second line, I’d already guessed what you’d say. Whenever you can keep a listener guessing, not knowing the outcome of a line, you capture their attention through the song with a pleasant surprise. This can be problematic using perfect rhymes today. Not that you can’t, but it can lead to predictability. From the level of your writing here, I’m confident you could find a more interesting way to say the same thing, but differently.
Your lyric sheet says:
Pays to drive on the freeway, you sing, “Pays the toll to ride on the highway.” Or maybe it was freeway. The second reference to paying is better, as the first can be confusing with “IT pays to drive on the highway” as if to say “it pays” meaning a benefit, leaving a stumbler for a listener.
“There’s no exit from the lost highway” love that line.
“Thinking of the good old days
Geriatric rock on the radio plays”
I love the “Geriatric rock” reference that says a lot without “saying it” in terms of “feeling” I’d try to find a way to reverse the MJ moonwalking lyric where it looks like your moving forward but it’s backwards. e.g., Geriatric rock “on the radio plays” Youd really say, “Geriatric rock plays on the radio” This is forcing a rhyme. I’m confident, again with your writing, you can keep the cool part and still make it a forward thought.
Love the part about yelling at the kids to get off the grass. That is so full circle in that we’d poke fun of such as kids. Yelling “get off my grass” might make it stronger, but that’s getting picky.
I didn’t get the rage in the bridge, and was there a 'out on the range' part I thought? Deadly weapon totally pulled me out of the song and now I’m thinking what I read in todays’ news, violence. And bringing in his boss is a character you don’t need in the song.
I'm feeling you felt there needed to be a bridge due to the music, and the amount of times the chorus was heard to give the ers a break. Correct, but I'd not sacrifice what you have going for you with bridge contents that pull a listener out.
Bridges are great for looking at different time frames or points of view or asking questions. I’d consider keeping it more single focused here. Maybe he’s questioning his “oldness” and picks up his guitar again and now “He used to be a rocker” in reference to use to be in a rocking chair could introduce a new chorus. That is always risky to change on a listener but could be a cool twist if written correctly. That is just a very off cuff idea.
Point is, to keep the bridge "in the song." Maybe he's just questioning where he is today in the bridge and now the last chorus is him speaking to himself… a much more subtle change.
I love how you hammered in the title. Cool song. Hope this helps.
Bi-weekly tips at www.acoustictunesmith.com if interested.
Brad
Comment by: Michael Robinson
I always enjoy your lyrics.
Comment by: Douglas Millaway
At first, I thought the tempo was a bit fast, but the more I lisdtened, the better I liked it. I'd leave it as is. I like how SUNO did a decent job of matching your vocal style. Well done. I think lyrically, this is a very relatable track. People going through tough times often feel like they've been abandoned. Even though this has a religious overtone, it could easily be adapted to a secular song with no problem. Great job on this one. Good storytelling.
Comment by: Douglas Millaway
This song is immediately identifiable as a Paul Nye song. That can be a good thing and a bad thing. As a producer, I would like to see a different pallette of sounds supporting the song to make it more unique and possibly a bit more contemporary. I think you could explore a wider range of melody in order to avoid predictablity by doing one of your "left turns" melodically as well as lyrically. That being said, as it stands, it's an excellent piece of work with a good message as usual. Your lyrics paint a visual image that are very relatable, especially to folks in their 70s like you and me. As we are contemplating a move, I also wonder about whether leaving things behind will be a relief or a regret. You never knoiw until you live it.
Comment by: Douglas Millaway
Gotta say, I love this song! Love the melody and the message, Way to go, Wayne!
Comment by: John Bennett
Hey Jimmy, Yes I hear that clock ticking too at 76 and still working on my bucket list. Working on 16th album with many more planned. Ai is making it quicker. Tell Ai to shorten the [Intro] maybe rhyme something in the chorus. Keep writin' bro.
Comment by: John Bennett
Hey Jimmy, Yes I hear that clock ticking too at 76 and still working on my bucket list. Working on 16th album with many more planned. Ai is making it quicker. Tell Ai to shorten the [Intro] maybe rhyme something in the chorus. Keep writin’ bro.
Comment by: John Bennett
This is the real thing. Good story and awesome chord changes in the Chorus. Always top rate and your use of Suno and your own vocals is superb. John
Comment by: John Bennett
hey hey Mark, This sounds like it could be a musical play song. Your guitar playing is always first rate a flawless. Nice moving bass lines and chords. JOHN
Comment by: John Bennett
a bonified HIT. I loved every witty little word. Especially the I I I part. A big country artist would love this. Hope you can really try to get it to a publisher. You can get to know them at Songtown. They'll listen there.
Comment by: Paul Nye
Hey Jim,
Really nice song. Great groove! It's actually a country song I can dig (lol). I thought your rhyme pattern was interesting. A/BBB I think (for V. 1 & 2). But it changed in Verse 3 to AA/BB. A critical reviewer might call you out on it. BUT, I think that's only a songwriting formality, of sorts. I like it cuz it actually works! Plus, I'm oppositional, so there. Anyway, keep up the great writing.
Comment by: Paul Nye
William,
Very clever song. The title took me by surprise. There's a saying in songwriter world, "Listeners like to be surprised, but not fooled." So, the surprise was good. Nice job!
Comment by: Paul Nye
Hey Sheryl – Can't wait to hear the music for this. Are you working on the song yet? Loved the storytelling and imagery.
Comment by: Paul Nye
Hey Doug,
Really enjoyed this! You said it best – "raw, honest." What I was expecting is some kind of turn-around at the end where you reveal that you're the ghost. Not sure how you could pull that off, but it might be worth exploring. But, I'm a guy who likes song surprises. Your voice sounds like someone whose name escapes me. Great folk slinger/Americana vibe.
Comment by: Paul Nye
Hi Kay,
I'm trying to remember where I heard this song. Did you do it at a Round Robin Song Share once? Anyway, you nailed the Minnesota vibe. Very nice job. Send this one to MPR. It should be a theme song for one of their shows.
Comment by: Paul Nye
Hey Vicki – This sounds like the Police before anyone knew them (lol). It's also got a CARS vibe to it. I could picture Rick Ocaseck (sp?) singing this….if he were still alive. Great vibe and cool story/song concept.
Comment by: Paul Nye
Hi Laura,
I think this song could relate to so many women – young and old. Great concept and story. It should be a country hit – or at least get radio airplay. It has a different twist in a subtle way to most country songs about drinking, women and pickup trucks or in Kenny Chesney's case, fishin' and imitating Jimmy Buffet. The thing I like about it is the same thing I think you could tweak. A listen knows exactly what the song is about in the first verse and chorus. That's is excellent, IMO. But, I'd like to see a little more development in the story – kind of a new or unexpected twist of some sort. That said, you have a fabulous way of telling stories that are so relatable and connect with people. Very nice work…as usual!
Comment by: Paul Nye
Hey Greg,
I really like this. Very relatable to any songwriter. I'd like to hear more lift in the chorus to make it stand out. Plus, I wonder if you could cut a line in each of the pre-choruses to get into the chorus. That said, don't mess with this too much. It's great as it is! Seriously.
Comment by: Paul Nye
Nice job Vicki. Catchy tune. Good job of showing lyrics.
Comment by: Paul Nye
Great tune! You do protest and political songs so well Terry. We need it these days.
Comment by: Paul Nye
Great song, especially for our times, Doug! Very well-told story.
Comment by: Paul Nye
Hey Laura, Loved this song the first time I heard it. Dig the rockin' "guy vibe" feel of the music. Seriously, some country artist needs to "cover" this song! Great writing…. you raise the bar for many of us! Cheers!
Comment by: Michael Robinson
Excellent song. Love the wry humor.
Comment by: Michael Robinson
Very catchy pop tune. I like the upbeat mood.
Comment by: Paul Nye
Hey Debra, Like the lyrics. Kind of a free verse with some nice internal rhyming. Best line: "Not socially normal, don’t know how to older." Don't know how to do that. Looking forward to hearing the music.
Paul
Comment by: Paul Nye
Hey Doug, I love everything about this song! Seriously! Assuming you did the production. Who sang it? My take is it sounds like the song was written by a skilled musician who moonlights as a psychologist and has a good grip on the foibles and left turns in life. Very nice!
Comment by: Paul Nye
Hey Bill, Nice song. Catchy. Early on, it felt like the music didn't really fit the message – I thought it should be slower blues. But when the chorus kicked in, it made sense. The only thing I'd suggest is coming out of the Bridge, try going right into Verse 3 where they get married, then you could either go to the chorus, or right into the outro9 to finish the song. About the Bridge. It felt a little out of sync, but that's a SUNO thing. I think it could be smoothed out a lot with a real singer. That said, fun song with a good message. Love it! Paul
Comment by: Paul Nye
Hey Jimmy – Great vibe on this! I love your picture images….and can actually relate. Curious if you have a goal for this song? I think the one thing that might hold it back is the storyline doesn't or won't likely relate to a younger audience. I know cuz most of my writing is the same. I constantly get the same critique from pro reviewers about my perspective of writing, so it's nothing new. However, if your audience is people your age or close, the song is very relatable….and singable. I think that group would dig it. I sure did. Anyway, great writing. The lyrics put me right in that place and time.
Comment by: Paul Nye
Laura, This song is so damn good…like all of your songs. I love how you took a typical story and wrote truly different and unique lyrics. The chorus is fabulous – very visual, and I love that last line about the mascara. This has got clever written all over it in a very good way. I'd call this a "tight package song" – meaning you made every word and line count. Best "break-up, I'm outta here" song I've heard in years. It needs to give you a nice royalty check by some major artist. Really! Way to go!
